


Virginity is a Social Construct

by freydient



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Blood, Colin Robinson is a piece of shit, Coming Out, F/M, First Kiss, Forced coming out, Guillermo is (not) a virgin, Guillermo is gay, M/M, Missing Scene, One-Shot, Sexual Tension, So Much Sexual Tension, Virginity, Virginity is a Social Construct, bc it's awful, but not really, but we love that he can be either an asshole boomer or an overbearing millennial, discomfort, filler scene, whatever the situation calls for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25199920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freydient/pseuds/freydient
Summary: Guillermo gets a bloody nose. The vampires are WAY too nosy about his personal life. And Colin Robinson sees an opportunity and takes it.A one-shot "missing scene"
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja
Comments: 31
Kudos: 140





	Virginity is a Social Construct

**Author's Note:**

> So this is basically a really dumb one-shot missing scene I thought of that I couldn't stop laughing about in my head.  
> This entire fic was written between the hours of 12 am and 2 am on the notes app. It's also my first WWDITS fic! So. Yeah. Enjoy..?

So far, it had been a rather uneventful night in the vampiric household. Everyone was lazing about in the fancy room. Ancient melodies, long-forgotten by the mortal wold, drifted gently from the piano, where Nadja's hands danced effortlessly across the keys. Laszlo was draped across the nearest sofa, his head rested upon the sofa's arm to fix his tooth-achingly sweet gaze on his wife. Nandor sat in one of the adjacent chairs, polishing a golden figurine of a horse (it was already so shiny Guillermo was surprised it didn't burn his master like sunlight, but he insisted on polishing it himself for the thousandth time. It was, for some reason, important to him, so he wouldn't argue any further).  
Guillermo, for all the bullshit he puts up with, cherishes nights like this. His master had ordered him to "guard the door" while the vampires relaxed, though there was really nothing to guard them from. Deep, deep down, Guillermo liked to think his master just liked having him near. So there he stood, endlessly patient and totally still, drinking in the sweet sounds of music few other mortals would ever hear.

"Guillermo!" Nandor demanded suddenly, in a tone Guillermo knew meant he had done something wrong. His spine went rigid, his eyes widened with attention. "Get that fresh blood smell away from here, it is very distracting!"

Puzzled, Guillermo looked around for some kind of source of blood, when he felt a gentle trickle on his upper lip. He lifted his hand to his face, where his nose was lightly bleeding.

"Sorry, master," Guiellemo said, muffled by the tissue he had pressed to his nose (he always kept a travel-pack of Kleenex somewhere on his person. This job involved a lot of sudden messes and bodily fluids.)

"Yes," Laszlo chimed in as Guillermo was leaving the room, "get yourself and your delicious virgin blood out of our sights!" Nandor shot Laszlo a brief glare, as if to say, "watch it, that's _my_ sack of virgin blood to make fun of."

"Again, not a virgin, but whatever," Guillermo mumbled under his breath as he walked away.

"Hold on!" Nandor called.

  
_Damn it_. He didn't intend for them to hear him, but they heard _everything_. He would never learn... Guillermo reluctantly reentered the room, braced for a scolding for his talking back.

"You say you're not a virgin?!" Nandor exclaimed. Guillermo's face was already growing hot. _Christ almighty, was he really gonna indulge them in this conversation?_

He took a deep breath in and said as calmly as he could, "No, I'm not."

"Guillermo," Nandor said in a soft, almost babying voice, "you do not need to lie to us about your lack of sexual conquests." Guillermo fought hard not to roll his eyes. "I'm not- I wouldn't lie to you, Master."

"But Gizmo!" Laszlo interjected from his perch on the sofa, "your blood smells far too fine to be sullied!"

If he weren't so mortified by the whole situation, he could laugh at Laszlo's absurdly archaic phrasing.

"Yes," Nadja added, "you must be pure! Your blood has always smelled so... _tempting_."

"Alright, enough then," Nandor growled. For the briefest of moments, Guillermo was relieved, thinking his master was mercifully putting an end to this absurd conversation. But he did no such thing. Resolved, he announced, "Let me taste that."

Guillermo didn't have a nanosecond to react as Nandor, horse figurine and polishing cloth abandoned on the couch, was suddenly right in front of him, and just as suddenly, the hand holding a tissue to his face was pushed aside, and then Nandor was- well, he was... not exactly kissing him, but he was sucking the blood off Guillermo's top lip, firmly but (thank _God_ ) gently, not biting to draw out any more of the stuff. So painfully briefly, Nandor's tongue brushed Guillermo's lips to lick off what blood remained there.

As Nandor pulled himself away, Guillermo became aware of an intensely dry throat and burning hot face. He was absolutely frozen in place as Nandor so nonchalantly licked his own lips and deeply contemplated the taste, the look on his face not unlike that of a sommelier trying to identify the most discrete tasting notes in a most complex red wine. He then announced to the room- who, judging by their expressions, thought this was a perfectly normal and acceptable occurrence- that, "It's... it's like, almost virgin blood, but also not?" Nandor elaborated in a most eloquent fashion, "It's pure, but also... it's _not_."

"Let me try," Laszlo offered.

" _Please_ ," Guillermo begged, "do _not_ do that."

Thank _fuck_ , his master extended an arm out to shield him.

"Well," Colin Robinson- who, at some unknown point, had appeared in the adjacent entryway- suddenly piped up, "virginity _is_ a social construct, really." The energy vampire had already begun to glow from the sheer discomfort and horror radiating off of Guillermo.

"What the fuck does that even mean?" Nadja demanded.

"Yes," Laszlo agreed, "what in the _hell_ are you talking about?"

"Well," Colin Robinson began, absolutely ecstatic with the opportunity at hand, "the traditionalist definition of a virgin is a woman who has never been 'taken' by a man, or a man who has never 'taken' a woman. It's quite sexist and heteronormative, actually."

"I do not know what half these words he is saying mean," Nandor whispered to Guillermo. Guillermo's face was growing redder, and Colon Robinson was glowing brighter.

"So," he continued his spiel, "that completely excludes all sexual activities other than male-female vaginal sex, including oral, anal, toy-utilizing, hand-based... and therefore, in turn, anyone who has intercourse exclusively with the same sex. So, it begs the question, how, exactly, do vampires define virginity? In the context of blood quality?"

With every crude example and blatantly sexual word, Guillermo's lungs constrained and threatened to fail him right then and there. Colin Robinson was absolutely radiating bluish light.

"Okay, Colin Robinson, enough with your lectures," Nadja cut him off.

"So," Nandor inquired, "you have done some of the sex things, but you have not had the sex?"

Guillermo winced. "I really, really, _really_ don't want to get into this."

"Gizmo!" Laszlo scolded. "You are to comply with your master's every demand!"

Guillermo looked to his master, desperately trying to convey with his eyes that he was literally _dying_ to end this situation. But Nandor only looked back with the same cold expectancy.

Guillermo took a deep, shaky breath in, and began, "No, I'm- I- I've had _sex_ -sex." As he tripped over the words, Colin Robinson, on the other side of the room, began to levitate.

"So then why do you still taste sort-of-almost-Virgin??" Nandor carried on. "I do not understand!" Guillermo was certain he was going to melt into a puddle and drip straight through the floorboards.

" _Christ_ , do I-"

Nandor cut him off with a hiss, "Don't say that!"

"-sorry, Master. Do I really have to spell it out for you?"

Nandor nodded plainly. Behind him, Laszlo and Nadja looked equally confounded and expectant. Guillermo sighed. If this job itself didn't kill him one of these days, the utter humiliation might.

"I. Am. _Gay_." He annunciated. "I. **Only**. Have sex. With _men_."

The resolution immediately washed over the vampires' faces, wiping away their dumbfounded expressions.

"Okay, welp," Guillermo poured his excuses out before anyone could say another word, "I'm gonna- I gotta, uh, clean the- er, I'm gonna dust that one... I'm gonna leave now." He tried to practically run out of the room, but Nandor hollered out a "wait!" and Guillermo instinctively stopped in his tracks and pivoted to face them all again.

Colin Robinson was shaking like a child overloaded on sugar and caffeine. His glow threatened to soon engulf the whole room in a blinding light.

"Can I at least have the rest of the blood you already bled?" Nandor asked, as if it were so innocent and harmless a request.

"Absolutely _fucking_ not."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!!!! Kudos and comments will absolutely make my day. And week. And month. ❤️❤️❤️ Follow my WWDITS tumblr sideblog @sapphos-pet-rat I would love some WWDITS mutuals!! 😊  
> -  
> Fun story, my first ever kiss was when I was a sophomore in high school, and my nose immediately started absolutely POURING blood. My partner was SO freaked out thinking they had somehow bit me without realizing it or something. It was so embarrassing at the time but now I find it so fuckin hilarious. (bloody noses are kinda super common in August at 5,500 ft above sea level with 2% humidity, so, it's really not that crazy of an occurrence) [I didn't realize this parallel to the story I just wrote until just now as I'm posting it]


End file.
